Heartlines and Hope.

Occasionally a thought passes trough my mind and it nags at me until I want to pull my hair out.

Lately it’s been this pressing thought of not being good enough.

I found the box that holds the cards I received from my high school graduation. I read through the cards and suddenly found myself breaking down because I felt like I had failed all of these people.

At that time I had high hopes of attending Liberty University for four years and graduating with a degree in government. Now, now I’m moving to New York to follow my dreams and my heart.

To put it simply, I’m terrified. I’ve lost three people that wrote me cards in that box. Three people that I know are watching my life from heaven and still rooting for me. People that believe in me.

So now I merely have to believe in myself.

Which as we all know is harder than one thinks.

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Counting Stars

You know it’s bad when you’re awake at 12:30 am wondering when life is finally going to fall into place.

And yes, I understand life is what I make it, but sometimes I really wish life would just hang a giant, flashing, neon sign with an arrow pointing on it telling me which door I need to walk through.

It’s been rough, people have asked me more times than I can count when I am going to grow up, or how on earth I am going to succeed on my path, or when I’m going to settle down, get married, have kids.

I think the most important question that no one asks anymore is, “are you happy?”

Yes, I am happy. The people I have in my life are uplifting, they are people I can rely on, people I care about, people that enrich my soul. I one told someone that I only put time into people that are important to me. I know that sounds really harsh, but if I can’t see how a person is a keystone to the person I want to be, I am not going to make the effort to stay in touch. I am happy with my job. Yes, I may be absolutely miserable when I don’t get the part that I want, or the callback I knew I had in the bag, but every audition I attend, I learn more about my craft.

So you know, maybe I’m not on TV or walking a red carpet yet, but I know that with hard work and perseverance, I will be. If you reach for the moon, you might end up among the stars.

As for the husband, family, kids, all of that is out of my hands. I will be completely honest and say that at 24 I feel like I’m losing time to have kids, but I have faith that God would not have given me a nurturing heart and never allow me to have a home, a husband, children of my own.
A lot of people tell me that I should worry about my career more, but I don’t want to be one of those people who worries about whether they are wanted because of their fame or because of the person that they are inside. I want to date someone who was my friend before they became something more. Relationships, romantic or not, are important in this business, and I do not enter into them lightly.

I always thought blogging was for the witty, the intelligent, the people who say what others want to hear, but I can’t do that. I have made a pact to be raw and open on here, and whether one or one hundred people read this, it matters not because I say what I feel and maybe somewhere someone is reading this and thinking, ‘yeah! I totally get what she feels, I’m not alone.” And if I make one person feel not alone in this great, wide world, then I have done my job.