Only know you love her when you let her go.

It’s been so long since I blogged, and I think it might be one of the reasons why I’ve felt so extremely emotional lately. Sometimes venting to a sea of strangers is a lot easier than talking to a close friend. There are times you just need to let it out without having someone tell you that it will all be okay when you know it is most definitely not.

You know those times where you sort of drift away from a person? You don’t mean to but it happens. Suddenly you realise that you’re putting way more into a relationship than the other person is? That’s how I feel right now. Not that the other party didn’t do anything, but I came to realise there is a point in which being stressed out over a friendship is not what a friendship is about. So I backed away slowly, giving the other party time to start initiating things more, and instead found myself afraid to even send a text message in fear that it will just sit there mocking me. So as I listen to Passenger, Skyping with one of my best friends, perhaps it is time to let it go. There are other people that will constantly be there to support me and I thank them so much for that.

Just because you give up on someone doesn’t mean you can’t mourn their loss. Yet you can’t upset yourself over it constantly, let it go, move on. Read a good book, take a spin class, travel to a different country. There are so many more things to experience and far more interesting people for you to meet.

Heartlines and Hope.

Occasionally a thought passes trough my mind and it nags at me until I want to pull my hair out.

Lately it’s been this pressing thought of not being good enough.

I found the box that holds the cards I received from my high school graduation. I read through the cards and suddenly found myself breaking down because I felt like I had failed all of these people.

At that time I had high hopes of attending Liberty University for four years and graduating with a degree in government. Now, now I’m moving to New York to follow my dreams and my heart.

To put it simply, I’m terrified. I’ve lost three people that wrote me cards in that box. Three people that I know are watching my life from heaven and still rooting for me. People that believe in me.

So now I merely have to believe in myself.

Which as we all know is harder than one thinks.

Counting Stars

You know it’s bad when you’re awake at 12:30 am wondering when life is finally going to fall into place.

And yes, I understand life is what I make it, but sometimes I really wish life would just hang a giant, flashing, neon sign with an arrow pointing on it telling me which door I need to walk through.

It’s been rough, people have asked me more times than I can count when I am going to grow up, or how on earth I am going to succeed on my path, or when I’m going to settle down, get married, have kids.

I think the most important question that no one asks anymore is, “are you happy?”

Yes, I am happy. The people I have in my life are uplifting, they are people I can rely on, people I care about, people that enrich my soul. I one told someone that I only put time into people that are important to me. I know that sounds really harsh, but if I can’t see how a person is a keystone to the person I want to be, I am not going to make the effort to stay in touch. I am happy with my job. Yes, I may be absolutely miserable when I don’t get the part that I want, or the callback I knew I had in the bag, but every audition I attend, I learn more about my craft.

So you know, maybe I’m not on TV or walking a red carpet yet, but I know that with hard work and perseverance, I will be. If you reach for the moon, you might end up among the stars.

As for the husband, family, kids, all of that is out of my hands. I will be completely honest and say that at 24 I feel like I’m losing time to have kids, but I have faith that God would not have given me a nurturing heart and never allow me to have a home, a husband, children of my own.
A lot of people tell me that I should worry about my career more, but I don’t want to be one of those people who worries about whether they are wanted because of their fame or because of the person that they are inside. I want to date someone who was my friend before they became something more. Relationships, romantic or not, are important in this business, and I do not enter into them lightly.

I always thought blogging was for the witty, the intelligent, the people who say what others want to hear, but I can’t do that. I have made a pact to be raw and open on here, and whether one or one hundred people read this, it matters not because I say what I feel and maybe somewhere someone is reading this and thinking, ‘yeah! I totally get what she feels, I’m not alone.” And if I make one person feel not alone in this great, wide world, then I have done my job.

A Day in the Life…

I realised I failed in doing the Daily Prompt for the 6th of August. Between work and trying to get funding for school and packing to move, I’m surprised I remember my own name.

I work six days this week, that’s twice as many as last week and I’m starting to regret it. It’s not the job, or the people I work with really, it’s the customers. I know, I know, never talk bad about the customers. But when you stand there and have a grown woman throw a temper tantrum in front of your very eyes over something so trivial you wouldn’t even think twice if it had been reversed, you wonder how you’re supposed to make it through the day.

I am thankful though, for the job. It helps pay the bills, and trust me, with the Film Academy looming over my head, the bills are stacking up.

So here goes for another day at work, six hours out of the twenty four in a day being eaten up by me standing there wishing I could be at home writing or reading or doing anything really than slicing meat and serving fried chicken.

Daily Prompt: Ballerina Fireman Astronaut Movie Star | Reality

I’ve been singing in front of people since I was about three years old. I would put on performances, change lyrics to songs and sing them my own way. I always loved performing, still do. While my friends wanted to be vets, doctors, lawyers, and one air conditioner, I wanted to b a singer. I’d imagine myself standing on stage, singing my little heart out, fans singing and dancing along. I imagined moving people with my music, someone telling my that a song saved their life, much like my own story when I became a teenager. I still haven’t gotten the chance to thank Darren Criss for that.

Where am I now? A college student that is a super, super senior, no degree to her name because I couldn’t settle on something. But then an amazing thing happened.

I went in for an audition with a talent group called Actors, Models, and Talent for Christ. I made it in, went through their program and just recently finished in their industry showcase called SHINE. While there, I received a talent-based scholarship to the New York Film Academy.

I’m a Musical Theatre & Film/TV Conservatory student about to move to New York.

So yeah, my dreams are starting to become reality. I have the drive, I’m honing my craft. So watch out, I might just be on your TV one day.Image

Daily Prompt

Daily Prompt: Anachronism | The Black Sheep

For me, feeling out of place is nothing new. For years I have been the black sheep of the family. I’ve taken too long getting my degree, I read too much, talk too little. And now, now I’m moving to New York to pursue my love for acting.

So when this year’s family reunion rolled around, I was settling into a sense of dread. Already I had been told I was stupid for pursuing this field of work, that I was too overweight to take dance classes, all from relatives that barely know who I am anymore.

To say I felt out of place in a building filled with people that shared the same genetics with me is an understatement. I wore a yellow dress and sat with my young cousins that were about the only people that I could stand. I Skyped on my phone with friends from other states and countries that understood who I was better than any of the people around me.

In my family, I am an anachronism.

Daily Prompt: Back to the Future

The Door to Adventure

I’m a traveller. At least, I love travelling, but being a college student in a tiny town, that doesn’t leave much to travel on.
I’ve been to Canada, France, Ireland, and England. My list of places to visit is a much longer one.
I used to want to live in England, still do in fact. I loved London, loved the city so much that I wanted to stay and never look back.
That’s part of why I think I’m moving to New York City. Yes, yes, I’m attending the Film Academy, but it’s more than that. For so many years, twenty-three to be exact, I have live in a tiny town in Virginia, feeling like I am stuck here, never being able to move forward. But now I am.
I have the chance to recreate myself, to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. To be a different, happier, me. There are things of course that I could never change, would never want to change. I will always love Star Trek, and cry over X-Men:First Class. Pride and Prejudice will always fight with The Hobbit over being my favourite book. Benedict Cumberbatch will forever be my favourite Sherlock. I’ll always own too many books and not enough bookshelves. Those things are what I have gladly allowed to shape me, and I will never be sorry for those things.
But moving to a different city where no one may know my name? It’s freeing. There I can be an aspiring actress/writer, working on her first novel as she works her bum off to get to where she wants to be. Heck, maybe I’ll find writing to be my niche and end up doing that.
Because honestly, that’s where the travelling comes in. I can’t write about a girl who met her best friend in Spain if I’ve never been. I can’t capture the awe of the Colosseum if I’ve never been dwarfed by it.
Travelling opens up the door to adventure, and honey, I grab adventure by the horns.